The first in the new created LHRC Salon Series was held on September 25th at the home of Patty Robertson and Susan Ashton. Featured speaker was Ellen Haller MD, Professor of Psychiatry at UCSF, with a respondent panel including Audrey Koh MD and Patty Robertson MD who discussed their own experiences and their patients' experiences when grandchildren are born to lesbian parents. Audrey and Patty are both obstetricians.

Some thirty attendees participated in the Salon, with an age range of 24 – 72. Among these were those representing a variety of roles: soon-to-be lesbian grandparents, lesbians with children, lesbians who had parented step-children with their partner, and some interesting single women who were interested in meeting other interesting single lesbians.

Highlights of Dr. Haller's remarks and contributions by others:

Often grandparenting opportunities happen as one is undertaking the developmental tasks of middle adulthood: accepting an aging body, accepting time-limitations of life and personal death, re-appraising relationships and letting children go, integrating new members into the family, preparing for retirement, and accepting role reversal with aging parents.

Grandparent roles include nurturing of the grandkids, playing and interacting with the grandkids, sharing family history and culture, supporting the kids and grandkids in times of stress, talking through differences to minimize conflicts, and respecting adult children's choices in marriage and parenting styles (Grandparents should work with, and not against, the parents).

Unique issues of LGTB families and grandparents include the grandparents "coming out" to their friends about their LGTB children when their grandchildren are born: according to Dr. Nanette Gartrell's study, only 29% of grandparents are open about their LGBT children having their grandkids. Sometimes grandparents are not accepting of their LGTB child having a pregnancy, although often this turns the other way once the child is born (about 3% of grandparents do not adjust ultimately).

Grandparents may need to be re-assured that children raised by LGTB parents do not turn out significantly different than those children raised by heterosexual parents.

Many professional organizations now declare that the parent's sexual orientation is irrelevant to his or her ability to raise a child. These professional organizations include The American Psychological Association (1976), The Child Welfare League (1988), the American Bar Association (1995), The American Psychiatric Association (1997), The North American Council on Adoptable Children (1998), The American Academy of Pediatrics (2002), The American Psychoanalytic Association (2002), and the American Academy of Family Physicians (2002).

Dr. Haller brought an article "How Does the Sexual Orientation of the Parents Matter?" by Judith Stacey and Timothy Biblarz (American Sociologic Review, 2001, Vol. 66 (April: 159-183). These 2 researchers at the University of Southern California did find some small differences in children raised by LGTB parents: the girls were more likely to consider atypical gender careers than girls raised by heterosexual parents, and the boys were more slightly more nurturing than boys raised by heterosexual parents.

The biologic issues were discussed as concerns grandparents. In general in the past, grandparents don't fully support adoptions if they resent the fact that the adopted child is not biologically related to them, and historically have often left adopted children out of wills or have shown greater affection for biological children. However attitudes have changed dramatically in recent years, and this needs to be re-studied.

Audrey Koh shared her stories of the role of grandparents in the lives of her two sons, ages seven and three. Both set of grandmothers are very involved, often arriving at the house for week-long visits right after each other ("tag" grandparenting). All of the grandparents are related to the boys, since the donor was Gaeta's brother, and Audrey was pregnant. A lot of laughter was generated when typical grandparent stories were shared, as when Audrey's son spoke his first full sentence in front of his Italian grandmother: "Just heat it up in the microwave".

Patty Robertson then shared some stories about her children and the challenges of long-distance grandparenting, as her parents are in Texas. She also talked about how many of her patients are isolated from families of origin in the Bay Area, and how important grandparents are to supporting the family with a newborn and children. When she had talked with Pan Haskins, a long-time supporter of LHRC about the grandparenting salon, Pan suggested a "matching service" for lesbian parents and want-to-be lesbian and gay grandparents.

There are a number of middle-aged lesbians who did not have children, and may have some regrets. An opportunity as a lesbian grandmother would be an opportunity for them to help create a family network. Other participants at the salon contributed ideas: one person remarked that sometimes grandparenting is not optional when a child is disabled by drug addition etc. and the grandparents have to become the parents.

There was one lesbian couple attending who had adopted a baby from Guatemala and wanted to explore the role of grandparenting. Often there were varied stories about the choice the non-biological grandparent made about relating to the grandchild as a grandparent or family member, or deciding not to have a relationship since there was no biological basis.

Jan Zivic made the point that if a lesbian couple breaks up (40% of them do by the time the child is ten years old according to Dr. Gartrells' data) the non-biologic grandparent should make a conscious decision to continue to grandparent in the same manner as before, for consistency for the grandchild, if that is at all possible situationally.

Ellen Haller's and Joanne Engel's son Danny attended the Salon for part of the evening. He remarked on the roles of his own nine grandparents, since Ellen and Joanne co-parent with two gay men, and one of the grandparent couples had split up and re-married. They also commented on trying to control the amount of gifts and relationships since there were so many grandparents (hard to do). It was also noted that since a lot of lesbians become pregnant later in life, many of the grandparents are older.

After the Salon’s discussion segment came to a close, many stayed for dessert and individual conversations. It was decided that the material covered was so rich and meaningful that perhaps a special interest group might form within LHRC on grandparenting, to continue the conversations with an every other month pot-luck. The possibility of setting up a matching local grandparent program for LGTB families with kids was considered. Anyone interested can e-mail Sue Dibble at sue@lesbianhealthinfo.org.

The October Salon, 2nd in the series, will be on Thursday, October 30th. October is National Breast Cancer Awareness Month, so the topic is “Breast Cancer Risks Among Lesbians.” To be hosted by Betty Sullivan, EdD and Irene Hendrick, the featured speaker is Suzanne Dibble, DNS, RN.